DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
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Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
“Wow there are a lot of non-brown people in Gaza.” – anyone tuning into Ferguson coverage late
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore
If you’ve been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
In a parallel universe, a group of sentient guitars groan as one guitar gets out a human at a party.