@1Bad_Scientist

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

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@SteveDutzy

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

@paminski

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

@jjmick45

GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.

@seamussaid

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

@3sunzzz

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

@TheBeerGuy73

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”