Draw me like one of your French Fries.

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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you


What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?


GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.


son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters


Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.


…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”