*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
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thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Someone just threatened to call me later
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn