It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
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sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
There are no pants in heaven.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I love it all
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
road rage
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania