@SenseiSandwich

*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”

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@Phook75

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who reply to a text message with a phone call

@NoticablyBacon

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

@reTICKulous

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

@SteveSuckington

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

@ThisLocalHater

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

@WhiskeyPotPie

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

@CherBear162

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

@KeetPotato

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”