Still my favorite headline of all time:
*draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords
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“We need to talk”
*stop, drops and rolls
*Army crawls out of the room
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.
While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I had no idea she was allergic to rat poison your honor
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!