@iscoff

*draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords

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@ella__fraser

“We need to talk”

*stop, drops and rolls
*Army crawls out of the room

@OrdinaryAlso

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

@Darlainky

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

@JimmerThatisAll

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

@delusions_of

That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.

@Deurb1

While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.

@MiniiG

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

@Marlebean

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”