*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
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‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
The old gods are rising again.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over