Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
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Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.