Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.

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“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined


You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.


I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.


[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?


What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.


I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.


I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.


Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?