Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
are they though??
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.