@kadyngriffiths

Dream girl:
-tall
-skinny
-can pull off wearing a hat
-honest
-a fan of the theater
-abolished slavery
-is Abraham Lincoln

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@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?

Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you

@chudneyspears

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

@FunnyMojoJojo

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

@RaineyKnight666

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@BerrryDLite

Coworker: My arms are killing me from hoeing in my garden this weekend.

Me: Thanks but I’d rather not hear about your sex life.

@Darlainky

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*