Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?
Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you
-can pull off wearing a hat
-a fan of the theater
-is Abraham Lincoln
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My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.
Coworker: My arms are killing me from hoeing in my garden this weekend.
Me: Thanks but I’d rather not hear about your sex life.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__
Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Studio audience: *groans*
A drum solo but on your face.