worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
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People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen