@DothTheDoth

Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.

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@Otter_News

Sgt. Otter reporting in, Sir. Ready to fire fish bazooka on your command!

@click4amanda

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

@thepaulasuzanne

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

@FrenulumBreve

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

@SaddleLawman

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

@girl_a_whirl

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

@eeethanford

[awesome life of caterpillar]
1) all I do is eat, awesome
2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome
3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME

@MartaEffing

Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.