Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
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The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
man i love columbo
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
The Weeknd is back
*ernest hemingway voice*
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.