@isabelzawtun

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

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@RidiculousSheri

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

@elle91

My Internet was out for a while so I went downstairs to talk to my mom. She seems nice.

@DanMentos

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

@schumoo

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

@LuvPug

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

@DrCat_MD

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

@realHamOnWry

Remember to keep the ‘inmate’ in ‘intimate’ by getting married.