Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
not for long