Prison Guard: “So you two cons are in love?”
Con2: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”
*in unison* “death sentences.”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
13 year old girls be like “I need a man who.. ”
Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.
Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.