@theevilwriter

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

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@JumbledButts

Prison Guard: “So you two cons are in love?”

Con1: “Yes.”

Con2: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”

*in unison* “death sentences.”

@MNateShyamalan

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

@SvnSxty

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

@OmarImranTweets

13 year old girls be like “I need a man who.. ”

Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.

@kimt205

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

@AksharPathak

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.

Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.