@NewDadNotes
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
@existentialcoms
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
You Might Also Like
@NewDadNotes
@QwertyJones3
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
@Cpin42
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
@Cycloptomese
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
@SexyInsomniac
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
@causticbob
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
@JonAcuff
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
@markydoodoo
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
@Roysenotes
no
@LurkAtHomeMom
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?