[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party