dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
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You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!