@EndhooS
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
@PostCultRev
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
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@EndhooS
@TheTimmyToes
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
@apok842
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
@LoveNLunchmeat
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
@ramblinma
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
@notsoevilrick
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
@PFTompkins
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
@jellybnbonanza
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
@BradBroaddus
I just got booed off stage by a bunch of jerks that didn’t appreciate my humor.
That’s the last time I’ll do a eulogy.
@rachiecandice
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.