@manda_tee1 If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys.
@PostCultRev Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
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@manda_tee1 
@imence2 This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
@AdmiralAkbrown The trouble with cops is if one’s a douchebag you can’t ask to speak to a manager.
@kv8 Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
@liv_thatsme Me: I hate one-uppers.
One-upper: Not as much as I do.
@LizHackett Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
@funnyordie TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
@MissHavisham Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
@_Kim_Jongun I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
@Otter_News No matter what kind of calculator steve is using, he will always hit “clear” multiple times. This is because Steve is a professional.
