Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

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If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys.


This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.


The trouble with cops is if one’s a douchebag you can’t ask to speak to a manager.


Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.


Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.


TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.


Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.


I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.


No matter what kind of calculator steve is using, he will always hit “clear” multiple times. This is because Steve is a professional.