Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
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remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My dog learned how to text
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
okay run it by me one more time
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.