@curlycomedy

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

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@CJhooray

“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

@MissHavisham

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

@DannyZuker

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

@thenatewolf

Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn’t like to loan out his DVDs.

@iGreenMonk

I’m so embarrassed. I just learned that that Pringles holder on my treadmill is for water bottles!

@ericsshadow

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.