Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

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My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.



[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]

My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash


When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.


I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.


don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue


[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016


[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”


OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?