@curlycomedy

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

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@_Kim_Jongun

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

@Browtweaten

[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]

My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash

@RunOldMan

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

@TR_Wilson

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

@GrantTanaka

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”

@50FirstTates

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf