“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
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Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn’t like to loan out his DVDs.
I’m so embarrassed. I just learned that that Pringles holder on my treadmill is for water bottles!
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.