Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
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Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
*mops up wine with cat*
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?