@mattZillaaaa

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

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@Donna_McCoy

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

@rockymomax

HER: I’m leaving you

ME: why

HER: u lie to me constantly

ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber

@JP_theAntiHero

Cat: who?
Me: what?
Cat: when?
Me: where?
Cat: how?
Me:
Cat: we need a life
Me: we
Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you
Me:

@knot_eye

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

@3sunzzz

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

@ThugRaccoons

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

@JeremyInKC

Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn’t love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I’d be impressed.

@tsm560

It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.