Dress for the job you want to sleep at
You Might Also Like
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.