My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
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HER: I’m leaving you
HER: u lie to me constantly
ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
Cat: we need a life
Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn’t love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I’d be impressed.
It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.