*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
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do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Wikigenius
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I hate my earbuds.