*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
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Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly