@HollyHeals

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

- @HollyHeals

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@Hobo_Splendido

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

@danjan13

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

@TheTweetOfGod

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

@KyleMcDowell86

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

@FeelingEuphoric

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

@SexytotheNorth

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

@DanMentos

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

@baycontaco

Smartphones don’t prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature.

I just walked into a tree.

@NewDadNotes

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!