I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
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Cell mate: What you are in for?
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Haven’t worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven’t poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?
my face: *look of horror*
9: firetruck! What else?
me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*
My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull