@geowizzacist

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

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@Jenny4ashley

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

@suecorvette

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

@DirtMcTurd

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

@byrdie_num_num

Haven’t worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven’t poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

@shutupmikeginn

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

@cornax

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

@itshotterhere

9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?

my face: *look of horror*

9: firetruck! What else?

me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*

@SamuelHLowe

My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.

@fishbowel

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull