you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
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Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.