Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
New mindset, who dis?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I found your tweet-up…
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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