@Robert_Beau

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

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@joebirbigs

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

@captainkalvis

Him: how old are you?

Me: *holding up fingers* this many

Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?

@WhiskeySoured

If you feel like you’re going through a rough patch, just remember that it only lasts through adulthood.

@pradacid

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

@sofarrsogud

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

@Bratterina

-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge

@ibid78

WHAT DO WE WANT?
The ability to ask different questions
WHAT DO WE WANT?
See this is what we were talking about

@Browtweaten

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes