Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

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I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.


I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.


Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet


*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?


[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]


Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?


Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”


Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..


I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored