I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
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I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored