Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Those are good neighbors.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh