Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.