Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
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Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.