@callmeEvian

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

You Might Also Like

@lisaxy424

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

@Merman_Melville

Apple watch, loudly: “It is time for you to poop”
Me: “A-as I was saying, our investors h-”
Watch, louder: “It is your optimal poop time”

@northernlivng24

I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.

@Tusk8rman

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

@christinaloca

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

@genehunter1

Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

@KKBowls

Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M

@AngryRaccoon2

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

@AdamBroud

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

@MikeCanRant

A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.