Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

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“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.


Apple watch, loudly: “It is time for you to poop”
Me: “A-as I was saying, our investors h-”
Watch, louder: “It is your optimal poop time”


I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.


Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.


Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.


Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.


Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M


Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.


Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart


A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.