Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
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have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.