Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
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*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
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Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
screw you
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.