Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
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[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Dishonest mechanic?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.