Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
You Might Also Like
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
#dalle2
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important