[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

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[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”



“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.


I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.


My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man


*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.


in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times


I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”


If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.