[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Not all heroes wear capes…
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.