Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
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My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.