@Shot_Of_Cabo

Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am.

Now its coffee after 5 pm.

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@AntozWolf

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

@andylassner

The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.

@stephenjmolloy

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

@msevilroyslade

Everyone thinks Iโ€™m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

@gamingheroritz

Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you

@LOLGOP

God must be a Republican. He wasn’t that into humans until He found His Son was one.

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a cop]

me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance

dispatch: copy that

me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer

@UnFitz

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.