People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am.
Now its coffee after 5 pm.
You Might Also Like
The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.
I love twitter
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
*dims the lights so you look like your selfies*
Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you
God must be a Republican. He wasn’t that into humans until He found His Son was one.
[first day as a cop]
me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance
dispatch: copy that
me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.