Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
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Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend