*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…