*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.