@SuperRandomish

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

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@jazz_inmypants

PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook

CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?

PETER PAN: yeah

CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?

PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-

CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad

@Harbinger_one

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

@Dawn_M_

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

@MavenofHonor

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

@Ristolable

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

@TheBoydP

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

@AndrewChamings

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]