Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
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A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear