A bold strategy
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{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit