*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

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honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*


I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged


KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper


I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.


I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.


“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.


First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.


“Nice place!”




“You look nice.”




“Mom told me not to date a goat.”