@Pork_Chop_Hair

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

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@KeetPotato

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

@DearAuntAbby

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

@GrahamKritzer

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

@KMoFlo_official

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

@NerishaLakha

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

@UnFitz

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

@TheAlexNevil

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

@Sickayduh

“Nice place!”

Mmmehh

“Hungry?”

Mmmehh

“You look nice.”

Mmmehh

“DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?”

Mmmehh

“Mom told me not to date a goat.”