*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
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#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I falcon love using swear birds
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
All is fair in drunk and war.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.