REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
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In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
scrabbled eggs
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it