*drinks milkshake*
*runs to yard*
*sifts through all the boys*
*puts up more posters for missing son*

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gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why


Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.


I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.

I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.


The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.


OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??


imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol


My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let’s take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I’ll get the other


If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.