If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.