Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.