I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.
BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food
Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.
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Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
-death row inmates
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.