@Gooooats

Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.

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@MischievousJam

I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.

BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food

@PorkUrPine

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

@AHundredElbows

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

@fro_vo

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

@_SetTheHook_

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

@david8hughes

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

@msgwenl

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

@stevevsninjas

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

@murrman5

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

@SequelsWeWant

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.