Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
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Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please