[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
You Might Also Like
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Do not levitate over flowers
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast