drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
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Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.