[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
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Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.