Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
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4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking