Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
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Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.