[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
You Might Also Like
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Meow?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
synchronized noseblowing
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.